Remembering Allan

I woke up around 5 AM this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. My thoughts wandered to the day ahead, knowing that it marks the one-year anniversary of Allan’s
homegoing.  I rolled over and tried to make myself return to sleep and in the hour or so I had remaining before my alarm went off I dreamed of my husband.

Since his exit from this world, I’ve only had a handful of dreams about him, most of which I didn’t remember after waking. But this morning the dream was very real and when I woke up in tears I was able to remember most of the dream.  I’ll recount part of it here, but only those who know and understand the culture of Teen Challenge—and who knew Allan personally—will appreciate this dream completely.

“We were at a Teen Challenge event, and although I didn’t recognize the surroundings, I had the feeling we were in the headquarters conference center in Columbus, Georgia. I remember hugging Allan, and then the scene shifted to us and several TC folks being in a meeting.  Tables were set up in a U-shape, very much like the way they were always arranged for our meetings.  Allan was at the head of the table, doing his usual ‘take command’ thing.

I was to one side of the table setup, watching him doing his thing. Jerry came over beside me and took a seat, and joked that Allan had taken the throne. Everyone there, including me, chuckled at the truth of his comment. Allan was small in stature, but he had a commanding presence that intimidated lots of folk (including me when I first met him). The scene shifted again, and suddenly I found myself bent over, head in hands, weeping.”

The dream faded away as I woke in tears, just before my alarm went off.  It was so very real and he was so very decisive. For those who knew him, Allan was never the type to give up or back down from anything that challenged him—until the cancer raged against him.  He tried to fight at first and valiantly kept up his courage. He didn’t want to go home yet. He wanted to do so much more for the Lord and questioned me many times why, after all his service to the Lord, was this thing happening to him?

There were no answers then, and I have no answers now. I know God’s grace is sufficient. But walking through widowhood twice has been at times more than I can bear. I know the Lord has sustained me, and I KNOW HE HAS A PLAN. I see bits and pieces of it, shadow glimpses, and I ponder what is ahead for my life. But this one thing I know…I miss Allan and his fiery brown eyes and outspoken ways. He was a handful—I’m pretty sure God has to give him lots to do to keep him from taking over heaven.

On this one-year anniversary of his homegoing, I’m grateful for the dream. Thank you Lord, for your reminder that he is alive and well and in Your presence.